What to Watch Instead of Artemis Fowl

Before we get started:

I'm doing a summer reading giveaway! I'm giving away copies of Under Locker and Key and Arts and Thefts on Twitter and Instagram.

Contest runs from now through the end of June. To enter, find me and my posts on Twitter (handle is @akbookworm) and/or Instagram (@allisonhymas) and follow the instructions on the post.

And now, let's get to the meat of this post.

Welp, folks, it's out.

The Disney Artemis Fowl movie.

If you've been reading this blog, you saw my reaction to that abysmal trailer we got. If not, here's the link to that post. Enjoy.

Since then, I've been keeping an eye on the project. The author of the books, Eoin Colfer, released a quote about his optimism for the movie, as did Kenneth Branagh. So I thought, hey, maybe the trailer wasn't indicative of movie quality. Maybe the movie actually feels like the book, even if they changed a lot of details.

Well, the results are in.

Folks, I believe that's what we call "the big OOF."

You should see the reviews. They're comparing it to M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender.

I can't say I'm surprised. When you strip a book of everything that made it special to its fans, everything that got it those fans in the first place, you remove its appeal. I hope this is a lesson to Disney and any other filmmakers that books become popular for reasons, and that it's extremely important to understand those reasons.

It was never about the magic, Disney. It was about the heist and the morally gray protagonist, and for me, at least, it was also about the sarcasm.

Anyway, I know you all might get on Disney+ today and see the Artemis Fowl banner right up there at the top, recommended for you as a new arrival on the streaming service. I'm here today to first off, tell you don't do it! You might be curious, you might want to see if that 12% is merited, but life is too short to watch bad movies and it's WAY to short to tell the filmmakers that you want more bad movies.

Which is why I have compiled a list of things to watch instead of Artemis Fowl, all available now on Disney+. Resist the temptation and take a right turn into one of these, instead.

First, my biggest suggestion is just to read the book series instead. It's cleverly written and imaginative, and truly a special series. As the cover says, it's "criminally good."

But if you want a movie or show right now (or all the books are checked out, as is the case with my library), keep reading.

ONWARD

This Pixar movie is another 2020 release that sadly got released at the same time that COVID-19 shut down the theaters, so it didn't get the press it deserved. This film is a great romp for fantasy lovers, with plenty of fairies, elves, and magic, with the modern flair that adds unique charm. I would also highly recommend this film to D&D players, for reasons that will become very clear as you watch.

Beyond that, it's simply a good movie. The story of two brothers going on a quest to see their father and, along the way, growing in their own relationship, is charming and heartwarming. Also, this movie has a "Pixar ending" where it doesn't end exactly as you'd think, but it works very well and I think is stronger than the expected ending.

So, yeah. Watch this instead.

ZOOTOPIA

Odds are you've already seen this one. But, it makes my list because a major part of Holly Short's character arc in Artemis Fowl (the book) is that she's the first female captain in the Lower Elements Police. Therefore, Zootopia is a stronger match for that character arc than the actual Artemis Fowl movie they just released.

This film has that character arc and the nuances that go with it, and also throws in a morally gray character in Nick, who becomes more likeable as we go. It also has the nice cat-and-mouse mystery and chase that we get from the book Artemis Fowl.

THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

The first one, of course.

Not that I mind the others, but this one is the first and best, and it's so much summer fun. This one makes my list because it's fun with thieves and liars, which, again, is some of the draw of Artemis Fowl (okay, from here on out, if it's complimentary, it's about the book). There's also all that gold, which also connects to the book, as gold is what Artemis is after the whole time.

HOLES

This is here just to remind you that not every book-made-into-a-movie is horrible. Which may have something to do with the fact that the author of the book actually worked on the movie. That's all.

DOCTOR STRANGE

This film is a mix of magic and technology, with a protagonist that is unlikable at first but grows and develops. It resonates, I think, with some of the appeal of Artemis Fowl without the terrible movie reviews. It's lower on this list, because I don't think it's the best match, but it's a better movie and if you're craving a new take on magic, give it a shot.

COCO

This movie is awesome. That's all. If you haven't watched this movie yet, I seriously suggest doing so as soon as possible.

Oh, yeah, and it has family dynamics and a magical other world, so you can get that through this instead of the movie Artemis Fowl.

Now for some TV shows:

KIM POSSIBLE

This is VERY important: make sure you watch the TV show, NOT the movie.

Great show, and I think my personal successor to reading books like Artemis Fowl. I started reading the Artemis Fowl series, and that led to Kim Possible, which led to shows like Leverage and books by Terry Pratchett.

This show, I think, is the closest match you're going to find to the book series with the high-tech adventures, the saving the world, and most importantly, the witty dialogue.

Oh, yes, the sarcasm. Love me that sarcasm.

Great writing and characterization, and wonderful villains make this one of the best shows (in my humble opinion) that Disney has rolled out. A much better use of your afternoon than that movie we're talking about.

PHINEAS AND FERB

Another kid's movie, and another golden show that entertains adults as well. If you're looking for likable villains, this one has one of the best, most likable villains Disney has EVER rolled out (you can fight me), and some great save-the-world action.

Also, this should appeal to you if you like the idea of genius children. I think Phineas and Ferb definitely qualify. And, again, the writing is clever. It shines in every possible way.

TANGLED

The movie, sure, but also the series. Excellent characterization and storytelling. It's not a perfect match to Artemis Fowl, but it is a wonderful story with excellent fantasy elements, good writing, and strong characters both male and female.

Also, you have Flynn Rider/Eugene Fitzherbert with his snark. And I love that.

For more reasons why you should watch this show, here's a link to a post I did.

STAR WARS CLONE WARS/STAR WARS REBELS

Two for the price of one! I put these together because they go together. Clone Wars just finished and is an amazing action story about warfare, with space magic (the Force) and science fiction tech. Also, Ahsoka will appeal to those who'd like Holly Short's character, and there's plenty of cat-and-mouse to go around. Also, a good show and worth a watch.

Rebels is actually my favorite of the two shows, but that's only because I resonated with the characters in this one a little more, and I enjoyed watching a clever, ragtag band of heroes outwitting people that have far more power than they do. Which is an appeal of Artemis Fowl. Clever writing here as well, and there is, of course your space magic in SPADES and science fiction technology.

That's it! Happy watching (since you're not watching a bad movie), and I'll see you again soon. I have lots of ideas for blog posts, so you'll be hearing from me again really soon.

And don't forget to check out my giveaway!

Under Locker and Key: Meet Jeremy!

ONE DAY MORE!

Oh my goodness, people, my book comes out tomorrow! And the day after that, I have my release at the Provo Library!

It's finally happening. A book I wrote is hitting shelves. I'll be able to see it at Barnes and Noble.

This feels...unreal. Like I'll wake up and it will have been a dream. But it's not, and even when I look calm, inside my head, I'm constantly doing this:

Anyway, I'm sure you're here for this week's interview. This week, in honor of the release, I'm interviewing Jeremy Wilderson himself, 12-year-old retrieval specialist.

Jeremy: Hey, you got the title right!

Me: Well, you're a retrieval specialist, right? Not a thief?

Yep. Not a thief. I don't steal anything, no matter what you might have heard.

But you do break the rules, so I hear.

Only when the rules get in the way of helping people. Then those rules, much like graham crackers, were made to be broken.

All right. Ready for a few questions?

Fire away.

Tell me about your work. What do you do, exactly?

Well, if you're calling me a retrieval specialist and not a thief, you probably have a good idea of what I do already. But, this is for your readers, right? At the core of it, I retrieve lost or stolen items for my classmates. So, if a bully steals lunch money, if you get a cell phone confiscated by a teacher, or even if you accidentally leave your hat on the bus or throw away your retainer, I'm the guy for the job. I can get anything back.

Why ask you, though? Why wouldn't kids go to a teacher to help them?

Sometimes they do. But sometimes the teachers are the problem, like with confiscated stuff. Besides, teachers aren't exactly subtle, are they? If a kid wants their stuff back but wants it back discreetly, they ask me. I don't make a mess, I don't leave evidence, and I don't make waves.

So, why don't you ever get in trouble? It sounds to me like this kind of thing would get you enemies.

Like I said, I don't leave evidence.

Do you have enemies, then?

One, for sure.

May I ask who?

Do you really have to ask? That gumshoe Becca! I could regale you with stories of all the times I outwitted her, but it might be better if we move to the pizza question now.

Very well. How do you eat your pizza?

I'm fond of pepperoni, and if that's what I have, I like to peel some of the pepperoni off and eat that first, then eat the slice from narrow point to the crust. I've tried Case's fork-and-knife combo, and Hack's roll-up method, but I prefer the classic style.

 How is it working with Case and Hack?

We don't really work together, since we all have our own areas of expertise. I'm no help to Case with his art, or Hack with his computers, and they haven't exactly mastered the art of picking locks, which is pretty much standard practice for retrieving. But it's great to be able to talk about my jobs with someone, and Case and Hack understand. We also use our skills to help each other. Case gives Hack and me forged hall passes, and Hack knows all the cheats for video games. They're my first priority when they need something retrieved.

You sound like quite the trio of criminal activity.

In the best way. We never use our skills to hurt anyone. We help people, and we're good at what we do.

So I hear. What is your favorite Disney movie?

I take it you're not counting Pixar, am I right? No? Then, at this point, probably Zootopia. It was smart and funny, and I loved the characters. The ending was pretty great, too. I like movies where someone gets outsmarted. That said, I have a soft spot for Tangled. I like Flynn Rider as a character. I know, I know. Figures, right? But I'm not a thief.

 ....By any chance, did you read Becca's interview from last week?

I read Case's and Hack's, but I don't really care what Becca has to say, so no, I didn't. Why?

No reason. Except that you and Becca may have more in common than you think.

Right, Becca and I are similar. Sure. She thinks rules are the greatest thing since buttercream frosting, and I think rules get in the way as often as they help. She throws people up against the wall and yells at them, and I quietly do my work with grace and finesse. She's a detective, and I'm a retrieval specialist. I can see why you'd think we have things in common.

But you both help people.

I guess there is that. I thought we could have worked together, but she made very clear what she thought about THAT idea.

What's your favorite thing to do when you're not working?

Hanging out with Case and Hack. We play video games mostly, but we also do other things like ride bikes and mess around with our craft, like explore air ducts and try to invent a better invisible ink. Sorry, I guess that counts as working. But it's more fun when we're all working on something together.

What are you most afraid of?

Easy. Becca Mills. Next question.

I was going to ask you what you thought of Becca, but I suppose you just answered that.

You know those horror movies where the monster isn't particular fast or strong, but is just always there, one step behind the hero? That's Becca. It doesn't matter where I am, or what job I'm working, she's always there! Lurking, just around a corner, waiting for me to leave evidence.

Which you don't do.

Nope! No evidence, nothing Becca can do. What can I say? I am just that good.

Well, thank you, Jeremy. That wraps up my questions.

No problem. And hey, readers? If you ever lose something, feel free to hire me any time. Refer your friends. And, if you want to pay me for my services, I like chocolate cake.

 
All right, that's all the interviews! If you want to see more of my characters, you can get the book starting tomorrow!

Here are this week's debuts:

Middle Grade:
Allison K. Hymas (MEMEMEMEMEMEME!) - Under Locker and Key (4/18)
Mark Maciejewski - I Am Fartacus (4/18)

Young Adult:
A.E. Caplan - Grendel's Guide to Love and War (4/18)

Under Locker and Key: Meet Becca!

Guys...8 days!

For all of you in Utah, next week on the 19th, I will be having my launch at the Provo Library at 7 pm. It's open to the public, and will be a fun event, so you should all come!

All right, I'm sure some of you have been looking forward to this week's character interview, so I'll get right to it. This week, we have with us Becca Mills, 12-year-old private investigator.

Becca: Hello. Yeah, I guess that's kind of me. Without those heels. I don't like heels.

Me: All right, so I'm going to ask you some questions.

I've seen the past posts with Wilderson's crook friends. I know how this works.

Some of your questions will be a little different.

They'd have to be. I don't work the same way those criminals do.

So tell me about your work. What do you do, exactly?

Like you said, I'm a private investigator. When kids have problems, like stolen goods, or if they're framed for cheating, they can hire me to solve the case and clear their name. My rate is reasonable.

I hear it's not just kids who hire you.

It's true. I'm a peer mentor during the school year, so the teachers give me a certain amount of responsibility, and I'm glad to say I've earned it all. They know if there are kids sharing gum in class or cheating on their cell phones, I'll find out and stop it. I ALWAYS stop it, and I do it WITHOUT breaking the rules!

May I ask how you got your start?

Sure! I've always wanted to fight crime. Dad's a lawyer, and Mom's a detective. I've grown up watching them make the world a better place by stopping criminals, and they seem so strong and happy. Especially Mom. So, when I entered middle school and saw what a lawless nightmare it was, I joined the peer mediators and started taking on individual cases. I did some freelance solving in elementary school. Not much, but enough so people knew I was the girl for the job.

It sounds like you're well on your way to being Scottsville's next big detective.

You really think so? That would be great!

So, tell me how you eat your pizza?

So, I am getting some of the criminals' questions. Hmm. Normally, I guess. I pick up the slice and eat it, and then toss the crust. It's a waste of stomach space. I like veggie pizzas best.

Me too, typically. What's your favorite Disney movie?

That's easy. I like Tangled. But, honestly, Zootopia really spoke to me. Maybe that one will become my new favorite. But right now, Tangled is definitely my favorite.

I notice that both those movies involve charming thieves.

What are you saying?

Just making an observation.

Reclaimed thieves. Both of them. Eugene and Nick both stop stealing and work for the good side.

Have you come across any thieves you think may be reclaimed, then? Someone who might switch sides?

I thought I had. Turns out I was wrong.

May I ask who?

I don't want to talk about it. What's your next question?



Favorite thing to do when you're not working?

Working is my favorite thing to do. But when I'm between cases, I like hanging out with my friends. Elena throws great sleepovers, and Liesl is the best to just spend time with at the mall or at a movie or something, though I prefer to be with all my friends.

Sleepovers? The mall? You like girly things like that?

Why so surprised? It's not like they take time away from my work or from the track and field team.

Tell me more about track and field.

I throw shotput. There's not much more to say. Coach says, though, that I'm the smallest shotput athlete he's ever had, and that's something to be proud of, I think.

*Silence while I speculate on how someone so small can throw shotput and decide to drop it*

Anyway...I have two more questions for you.

Fire away.

What are you most afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Everyone's afraid of something.

Not me.

You sure?

*glares at me*

Yes.

...Okay, then. Last question. What do you think about Jeremy Wilderson?

I don't want to talk about that creep.

Well, he's going to be here next week, and I'm going to ask him about you--

And he'll tell you all kinds of lies because that's what he does! He's a thief and a liar and he gets away with all of it! It's not lawful and it's not fair and I won't stand for it. Sure, the guy's cute, I'll give him that much, but it shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. Crime is crime. If no one else is going to stop him, then I guess I'll have to do it.

That wraps it up. Thank you, Becca.

You're welcome. It was a pleasure. Can I go now?

You're free to go.

Don't talk to me like I'm a suspect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a thief to take down.

All right, that was Becca! Come back next week when we have the big man himself here and I interview Jeremy Wilderson.     


Here are this week's debuts:

Middle Grade:
Lindsey Becker - The Star Thief (4/11)

Young Adult:
JC Davis - Cheesus was Here (4/11)
Corrie Wang - The Takedown (4/11)