What to Watch Instead of Artemis Fowl

Before we get started:

I'm doing a summer reading giveaway! I'm giving away copies of Under Locker and Key and Arts and Thefts on Twitter and Instagram.

Contest runs from now through the end of June. To enter, find me and my posts on Twitter (handle is @akbookworm) and/or Instagram (@allisonhymas) and follow the instructions on the post.

And now, let's get to the meat of this post.

Welp, folks, it's out.

The Disney Artemis Fowl movie.

If you've been reading this blog, you saw my reaction to that abysmal trailer we got. If not, here's the link to that post. Enjoy.

Since then, I've been keeping an eye on the project. The author of the books, Eoin Colfer, released a quote about his optimism for the movie, as did Kenneth Branagh. So I thought, hey, maybe the trailer wasn't indicative of movie quality. Maybe the movie actually feels like the book, even if they changed a lot of details.

Well, the results are in.

Folks, I believe that's what we call "the big OOF."

You should see the reviews. They're comparing it to M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender.

I can't say I'm surprised. When you strip a book of everything that made it special to its fans, everything that got it those fans in the first place, you remove its appeal. I hope this is a lesson to Disney and any other filmmakers that books become popular for reasons, and that it's extremely important to understand those reasons.

It was never about the magic, Disney. It was about the heist and the morally gray protagonist, and for me, at least, it was also about the sarcasm.

Anyway, I know you all might get on Disney+ today and see the Artemis Fowl banner right up there at the top, recommended for you as a new arrival on the streaming service. I'm here today to first off, tell you don't do it! You might be curious, you might want to see if that 12% is merited, but life is too short to watch bad movies and it's WAY to short to tell the filmmakers that you want more bad movies.

Which is why I have compiled a list of things to watch instead of Artemis Fowl, all available now on Disney+. Resist the temptation and take a right turn into one of these, instead.

First, my biggest suggestion is just to read the book series instead. It's cleverly written and imaginative, and truly a special series. As the cover says, it's "criminally good."

But if you want a movie or show right now (or all the books are checked out, as is the case with my library), keep reading.

ONWARD

This Pixar movie is another 2020 release that sadly got released at the same time that COVID-19 shut down the theaters, so it didn't get the press it deserved. This film is a great romp for fantasy lovers, with plenty of fairies, elves, and magic, with the modern flair that adds unique charm. I would also highly recommend this film to D&D players, for reasons that will become very clear as you watch.

Beyond that, it's simply a good movie. The story of two brothers going on a quest to see their father and, along the way, growing in their own relationship, is charming and heartwarming. Also, this movie has a "Pixar ending" where it doesn't end exactly as you'd think, but it works very well and I think is stronger than the expected ending.

So, yeah. Watch this instead.

ZOOTOPIA

Odds are you've already seen this one. But, it makes my list because a major part of Holly Short's character arc in Artemis Fowl (the book) is that she's the first female captain in the Lower Elements Police. Therefore, Zootopia is a stronger match for that character arc than the actual Artemis Fowl movie they just released.

This film has that character arc and the nuances that go with it, and also throws in a morally gray character in Nick, who becomes more likeable as we go. It also has the nice cat-and-mouse mystery and chase that we get from the book Artemis Fowl.

THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

The first one, of course.

Not that I mind the others, but this one is the first and best, and it's so much summer fun. This one makes my list because it's fun with thieves and liars, which, again, is some of the draw of Artemis Fowl (okay, from here on out, if it's complimentary, it's about the book). There's also all that gold, which also connects to the book, as gold is what Artemis is after the whole time.

HOLES

This is here just to remind you that not every book-made-into-a-movie is horrible. Which may have something to do with the fact that the author of the book actually worked on the movie. That's all.

DOCTOR STRANGE

This film is a mix of magic and technology, with a protagonist that is unlikable at first but grows and develops. It resonates, I think, with some of the appeal of Artemis Fowl without the terrible movie reviews. It's lower on this list, because I don't think it's the best match, but it's a better movie and if you're craving a new take on magic, give it a shot.

COCO

This movie is awesome. That's all. If you haven't watched this movie yet, I seriously suggest doing so as soon as possible.

Oh, yeah, and it has family dynamics and a magical other world, so you can get that through this instead of the movie Artemis Fowl.

Now for some TV shows:

KIM POSSIBLE

This is VERY important: make sure you watch the TV show, NOT the movie.

Great show, and I think my personal successor to reading books like Artemis Fowl. I started reading the Artemis Fowl series, and that led to Kim Possible, which led to shows like Leverage and books by Terry Pratchett.

This show, I think, is the closest match you're going to find to the book series with the high-tech adventures, the saving the world, and most importantly, the witty dialogue.

Oh, yes, the sarcasm. Love me that sarcasm.

Great writing and characterization, and wonderful villains make this one of the best shows (in my humble opinion) that Disney has rolled out. A much better use of your afternoon than that movie we're talking about.

PHINEAS AND FERB

Another kid's movie, and another golden show that entertains adults as well. If you're looking for likable villains, this one has one of the best, most likable villains Disney has EVER rolled out (you can fight me), and some great save-the-world action.

Also, this should appeal to you if you like the idea of genius children. I think Phineas and Ferb definitely qualify. And, again, the writing is clever. It shines in every possible way.

TANGLED

The movie, sure, but also the series. Excellent characterization and storytelling. It's not a perfect match to Artemis Fowl, but it is a wonderful story with excellent fantasy elements, good writing, and strong characters both male and female.

Also, you have Flynn Rider/Eugene Fitzherbert with his snark. And I love that.

For more reasons why you should watch this show, here's a link to a post I did.

STAR WARS CLONE WARS/STAR WARS REBELS

Two for the price of one! I put these together because they go together. Clone Wars just finished and is an amazing action story about warfare, with space magic (the Force) and science fiction tech. Also, Ahsoka will appeal to those who'd like Holly Short's character, and there's plenty of cat-and-mouse to go around. Also, a good show and worth a watch.

Rebels is actually my favorite of the two shows, but that's only because I resonated with the characters in this one a little more, and I enjoyed watching a clever, ragtag band of heroes outwitting people that have far more power than they do. Which is an appeal of Artemis Fowl. Clever writing here as well, and there is, of course your space magic in SPADES and science fiction technology.

That's it! Happy watching (since you're not watching a bad movie), and I'll see you again soon. I have lots of ideas for blog posts, so you'll be hearing from me again really soon.

And don't forget to check out my giveaway!

What is this Rubbish???

I'm coming out of hibernation because something needs to be said.

When I was in 6th grade, the Artemis Fowl series was new, on its first book. I bought it at a Scholastic Book Fair and read it, and subsequently loved it and read the whole series. I have the final book in the series signed by the author, and I thought the whole series was a great story full of great stories.

So, when I heard that Disney was adapting Artemis Fowl for film, I was excited. And when I saw the first teaser trailer, way back last year, I was excited. It seemed to capture the feel of the books.

But then this morning I woke up and I saw their new trailer. Artemis Fowl fans, I apologize for what you're about to see.

Excuse me.

But WHAT.

IS.

THIS???

WHAT IS THIS???

This is NOT the movie I have been waiting for YEARS to see!

As soon as I saw this trailer, I was bummed, then angry, and now I'm furious. Because dang it, Disney is doing it again.
 
What makes me so angry about this trailer is that once again, we're getting a film adaptation of a book that has stripped the story of everything that made it special and gives us, once again, the same canned storyline Hollywood keeps feeding us.

The story in this trailer is unrecognizable from the beloved book. The characters bear a resemblance to their book counterparts, and you have crime and fairies, but that is it. Beyond that, what do we have? Yet another story where a child learns that his parent has some secret and that he must now step up and fight evil.

We got this story. We got it in Spy Kids. We're getting it now in Locke & Key on Netflix. Heck, we got it in Harry Potter and even Star Wars! It's a pretty common tale. I'm sure, given a few minutes, you'll think of many more stories that have this exact plot (feel free to share them in the comments).

You know what's not common, though? A story about a preteen boy who is so smart and criminal that he's able to outwit an ancient, technologically advanced race who has magic to boot!

That's what Artemis Fowl is about! Artemis is not the hero. He's the protagonist, but he's the hero. He's a Bond villain. He was designed to be a Bond villain. This is a story about a child criminal who is brilliant enough to win against a people that have everything on their side, apparently. It's a high-action chess game between Artemis and the fairies, where the fairies have the law on their side and Artemis has his huge brain and a bit of desperation.

That's not what we see in this trailer. This trailer gives me no reason to believe Artemis is a genius, or that he's a "criminal mastermind." It's the same old "your father lived a secret life" story we've seen a million times, and I don't even see in the trailer the signature sarcastic humor that made the book such a joy to read.

Long time readers of this blog should know that I'm forgiving to movies that don't follow the book exactly. Heck, one of my favorite movies is How to Train Your Dragon and it's very different than the book. But the book isn't about the plot; the book is about how Hiccup is a not-great Viking who loves dragons and how he learns how to be a hero "the hard way." And that was kept in the movie.

With Artemis Fowl, the story is gone. The characterization is gone. The themes of complex villainy and character growth from villain to hero seems to have followed it. What is left? The same old story we keep getting.

And this is why I'm angry. Disney just did this to us with A Wrinkle in Time. They took a book with a huge fanbase and essentially turned it into the same old coming-of-age fantasy adventure they always tell, with no consideration for what made the story resonate with people.

 
They gave us the same old canned adventure "chosen one" story in The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, something that could have easily been avoided if they'd done a modicum of research and read E.T.A. Hoffmann's story.

 
Now, they're doing the same thing to Artemis Fowl---stripping it of everything that made the story unique and giving us a bland adventure tale.

(Side note: I'm not mad at all of Disney right now. Tangled the Series people, I want you to know that you're doing great, sweeties. Excellent work on the finale.<3)

Why bother adapting a book to film if you're not going to look at why people liked it in the first place? Why give us the same old story when you can do something unique like show kids a child who is smart enough to outwit grown-ups? There's a reason people liked these stories enough to merit a movie studio's attention. Why claim a book's title if you're just going to toss out everything about it? Why not just write your own dang story?

(Disney, tossing out everything fans loved about a book.)

Maybe the idea of a morally gray child criminal didn't "test well." I mean, it "tested well" with me and thousands of other readers, but I'm not a filmmaker, so what do I know?

All I know now is that upon seeing this trailer, all my desire to see the movie has melted away. If this movie is going the same way as the others I mentioned, then it's not worth my time or money. I don't want to see a great book turned into yet another mediocre movie.

Okay, that's it. I'm done. I'm done with all of this. Allison out.