A Typical D&D Meeting

Hello, I'm back!

It's been a good hiatus; I've been hard at work adjusting to quarantine and teaching online, finishing out the semester, and starting a new project that, frankly, I'm just thrilled about and get more excited the more I work on it.

In other news, I have ARCs of THE EXPLORER'S CODE!

Here's the Goodreads summary for the book: "Macmillan/Imprint has bought The Explorer's Code by Allison K. Hymas. Reminiscent of classic middle-grade mystery-adventures such as The Westing Game, the book invites readers to solve hidden codes and puzzles along with three young guests as they work to uncover the secrets of the legendary Idlewood Manor."

The book is available for pre-order on Amazon, if you're interested.

Okay, so I was thinking about doing a post about quarantine and things to do while in lockdown, or how I've been handling it, or something, but I thought, how about instead I do a post about my Dungeons and Dragons group and the typical shenanigans we get up to every week?

A little over a year ago, I did a post about the typical Mario Kart Monday experience I had. Today's post is pretty much the same thing. I can't speak for every D&D group, but this is more or less what our typical session goes like.

Oh, and don't worry, right now we're meeting virtually.

Let's meet our cast of characters:

DM - The Dungeon Master
Ranger - Me, the halfling ranger
Druid - My husband, the dwarf druid
Cleric - The elf cleric
Rogue - The human rogue
Wizard - The dragonborn wizard

Honorable mention: "G-Unit" - Graash, our adopted NPC wizard apprentice orc, who Ranger and Rogue love very much.

All characters align as Neutral Good except for Rogue and Wizard, who are Chaotic Good. Also, for those who don't play D&D, the game relies on dice rolls. The higher the roll, the better your chance of success. 1 is the lowest and 20 is the highest.

Let's begin.

*Meeting is scheduled to begin at 7 at Ranger and Druid's house*

Druid: Where's Cleric?

DM: Late. What else?

Wizard: *Shows up 10 minutes late with noodles* Hello, peasants!

Druid, Ranger, and DM: *Lay out dice, pencils, papers*

DM: *Prepares screen, papers, dice, and most importantly, music*
 
*Actually begins at 7:20 once everyone arrives*

DM, to Druid: You ready?

*Plays epic music*

Druid, in a hammy announcer voice: Last time, on D&D! Leap...of...Faith! With only Zombies and Skeleton Archers in the courtyard the Electric Mayhem Band [that's us, by the way] and the armies of the dwarves and the elves maneuvered into position to take out the rest of the undead....

*Music uncannily reaches its climax and conclusion as Druid wraps up his summary of the prior week*

*Music turns spooky and muted*

DM: After last time's battle, the room is cleared. What do you want to do now?

Rogue: I investigate for loot.

DM: Nothing much here except for a bunch of skeletons...

Rogue: Ew.

DM: You find about 50 gold, some old knives, and an iron ring.

Rogue, visibly excited: Ooh, a ring?

Ranger: Is it cursed?

Rogue, already in possession of and deeply attached to an obviously cursed ring: Cursed? Why would any ring I find be cursed?

 DM: Cleric, make a religion check.

Cleric: *rolls low*

Ranger: You have got to be the worst cleric we've ever heard of.

Cleric: Ah, but you have heard of me.

Druid, in gruff character voice: Let's leave the ring behind. We don't need any more trouble with any more curses.

Wizard: No! It could be useful. We could give it to G-Unit.

Rogue, Ranger, Cleric and Druid: What if it's cursed???

Wizard: Then we'd know.

*Debate ensues for 5 minutes about whether to take the ring*

DM: Wizard, make a religion check.

Wizard, using virtual dice on phone: *rolls high* Whee!

Ranger: Why does our wizard know more about religion than our cleric?

Wizard: Because I have all knowledge!

DM: It's an old ring, a sigil of a death cult. Roll an arcana check.

Wizard: *rolls decently*

DM: You sense no magic on it.

Rogue, disappointed: It's just an old ring, then. Let's go.

Druid: Let's keep it. It might be important.

DM: *grins angelically, which is somehow worse than evilly*

Ranger: Yeah, let's do it. And we should probably get out of here.

Druid: Yeah. We have to save the prisoners from the necromancers.

*************

(The party encounters an old woman)

DM, as NPC woman: It's so good of you to come save me! Would you like a meal before we go?

Druid: I don't trust her.

Ranger: You don't trust anyone.

Cleric: What's her name?

DM, who didn't plan one: Um, Sarael.

Rogue: Sure, ma'am, I'll have some of your stew. *drinks stew*

DM: Rogue, make a wisdom saving throw.

Rogue: Dang it. *rolls very poorly* Dang it!

DM: You feel a warmth and you relax as the witch's mind control potion takes over your mind. You decide that this is one very nice woman.

Rogue: She seems great, guys!

Ranger: I try to intimidate the old woman by throwing a table.

DM: Roll strength and intimidation.

Ranger: *rolls well on strength, poorly on intimidation* Dang it.

DM, laughing: You throw the table and it shatters against the wall, but the witch is just so amused at seeing a tiny halfling throw a table she's not scared at all.

Ranger: I AM BUT A CUTE HOBBIT

Wizard: Let's throw the hobbit at her!

Ranger: I will yeet you, Wizard!

Druid: *readies shillelagh* Guys, I don't like this woman and I don't like how Rogue is acting. I think we should fight.

Ranger and Cleric: Agreed.

DM: Roll initiative.

*Battle commences*

*********

(In the midst of battle)

DM: Okay, so you managed to break the potion's hold on Rogue. Druid, it's your turn.

Druid: I cast Moonbeam.

DM: Roll damage.

Druid: *rolls decently*

DM: The witch is singed as your moonlight shines down on her. Cleric?

Cleric: I hit her with my hammer. *rolls a nat 1* AHHHH, MAN!

DM: You swing, but she dodges and your hammer whiffs through the air.

Ranger: Are you drunk again, Cleric?

Cleric, always sober out of character: *huge, comical hiccup*

DM: Wizard?

Wizard: How big is this room?

DM: About twenty feet square.

Wizard: Hmmm...how about....?

Druid: Don't cast Fireball. You'll hit us, too.

Wizard: Oh, you'll be fine.

Druid: *glowers and shakes head*

Wizard: Okay, fine. I guess I'll cast Scorching Ray. *rolls decently*

DM: Okay, the witch is not happy. It's her turn. She casts a ray of dark energy at Wizard.

Wizard: What? Why me? She should attack Cleric. Or Druid.

DM: You're the one currently attacking her, and you're a spellcaster. *rolls* She hits. You take seven damage.

Wizard: *grumbling*

DM: Ranger?

Ranger: I shoot arrows at her. [Literally my best move, every time.] I shoot two.

Druid, out of character: You can also cast Hunter Mark and do extra damage.

Ranger: Oh, yeah. I cast Hunter's Mark. *rolls well*

DM: Arrows hit. Witch is looking bloodied. Rogue?

Rogue: Is she in melee?

DM: Yes, with Cleric.

Rogue: I use sneak attack. *rolls for half an hour, does a stupid amount of damage*

DM: That's...not quite enough to kill her. *party groans* Druid?

Druid: I hit her with my shillelagh, and she takes damage from Moonbeam.

DM: Yep. *both Druid and DM roll* How do you want to kill her, Druid?

Druid: I hit her on the head.

DM: Okay. Battle ends. You look around the room, and then a smoke rises out of the witch's body and forms a figure.

Ranger: What's its name?

DM, prepared now: It says, "My name is Vangar, Destroyer of Many!"

Cleric: I Channel Divinity and cast Sacred Flame!

*Party holds breath*

Cleric: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: Okay, you blast the entity with a shining beam of divine light. Radiant flames sear through it. It falls apart in the middle of its monologue.

Druid: Sorry, DM.

DM: *shrugs*

Ranger: *finds gif of Syndrome from The Incredibles about monologuing and sends it around*

Rogue: I investigate the room for loot.

*************

Okay, scene end. I'm sorry that was so long; D&D sessions go on for hours. I cut out most of the debates, puns, and pop culture references. Honestly, not all battles and scenes go like this, but these things happen in SO MANY of them I had to include them. These particular moments didn't actually happen in our campaign, but they are based on things that did.

I'm also sorry that I used so many D&D terms. That's honestly how we talk. I simplified things, conflating rolling dice with our modifiers. But, if you'd like more context, here's a spell list.

And, party? Thanks for being so much fun every week. If you're not happy with how I portrayed you here, please know I still love you! Although I fully intend to one day yeet the wizard.