"They're Fighting - That's How You Know They're in Love"

Hey! This week is LTUE!

It's finally here, from Thursday Feb. 14-Saturday Feb. 16! I'm excited, but also kind of nervous. I hope to see you there. Here's my specific schedule, of my panels, but I plan on being there all day, every day of the conference. It's a good one.

As you can see from the LTUE dates, this week is also Valentine's Day.

Which means that, hopefully, you will get treated or treat yourself, and I will treat all of you to a romantic(?) trope that I think can work really well, or be a sign of really lazy writing/fandom.

The "they fight all the time so they must have romantic chemistry" trope.

As someone who has a couple of characters who are known for fighting a lot, I hear about this trope a lot. Heck, as someone who is on the internet a lot, I hear about this trope a lot. It's everywhere, from Hallmark movies to people's ship wars online. Here's the thing: I think too often it's done poorly and allows for glorifying toxic relationships.

Let us begin. This trope is so popular in romances as a way of raising tension in the story. If there's nothing keeping the main characters apart, then there's not much of a story. However, if they meet and instantly find something about the other person that irritates them, or something they even loathe, then you can keep a wedge between them for longer, and draw out the tension.

I see nothing wrong with this as long as it's done believably. In fact, I think this can be an excellent way to show character and character growth. Say what you will about Hallmark movies, but they're pretty good at this: the flaws the characters find in each other that cause them to fight are often based on misunderstandings stemming from past experiences or personality traits, or end up revealing issues the characters need to resolve before they can achieve the happy ending.

For example, they fight because she thinks he's lazy and he thinks she's a snob, but what has happened is that he saw her brush someone off without knowing the context, and she is very hardworking, to a fault, and needs to learn to let more in her life (she's the main protagonist).

You've seen this movie, I'm sure, or many like it. This kind of fighting tends to get resolved as the characters learn more about themselves and each other, and grow as people. They see that what they thought was a big deal actually was just a misunderstanding or that it wasn't as important as the things they admire or have in common with the other person.

This is done well. What is not done well is when the story takes this trope at face value and decides that fighting=chemistry.

No. NO. NO. NO!

I want to illustrate this with a story from my own life. I came home from a group gathering angry because I'd gotten into an argument with a guy (this was a couple months ago before I starting dating my boyfriend). When I told my parents about it, they responded with amusement and told me, "If this was a movie, you'd end up falling for him."

Context? I was fighting with the guy because he was trying to convince me that black people who get shot by police deserve it and that it's okay to pay women less than men for the same job because their ability to get pregnant makes them a liability.

In short, I didn't like him and I found his views revolting. We disagreed on a very fundamental level. This was not a misunderstanding or a character flaw I had to "get over." If I did the fiction thing and took this as a sign of chemistry, I would have found myself in a toxic relationship.

And yet I see this happen sometimes in stories and TV and online writing. Writers want to show chemistry, so they show the characters fighting without paying attention to the traits or perspectives that would lead to the argument, and how those traits lead to a wholesome relationship later. Or, I see fans shipping relationships, say, "These characters fight all the time. You can smell the chemistry," without, again, considering why they're fighting and if, just maybe, the differences are a little too much here.

Tropes aren't inherently good or bad, but I think when they're handled lazily they can lead to some very bad things. Like glorifying fighting in relationships as a sign of chemistry, when most social science agrees that while couples fight, the ability to work through issues together is a better indicator of success, and also, people tend to prefer partners who are similar to them in background and views.

That's not universal, of course. But the point I'm trying to make is that when writing characters who clash, writers need to consider why they're clashing and how the romantic relationship leads to positive growth for both parties, not a future of consistent bickering. Unless you're trying to show an unhealthy relationship, then by all means, go for it.

So, this Valentine's Day, I wish you lots of love and lots of well-written love stories, full of positive conflict and devoid of unhealthy relationships. May I suggest The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer?